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Transitioning Back to Routines
PCI Certified Parent Coach®
Transitioning back to work, school and regular logistics after the holidays can be a tricky shift, for children and adults alike.
Let’s break down what can help ease these inevitably difficult moments in every family’s home.
Remember your role as the parent
The role of a parent is to set healthy boundaries and enforce them (with love). Once the boundary is set and enforced, it’s your job to validate the child’s feelings.
The role of the child is to experience the world and express their feelings.
The parent’s boundaries do not dictate their child’s feelings…and the child’s feelings do not dictate, question, or modify their parent’s boundaries.
Your child will most likely react “badly” if they disagree with your healthy boundary, that’s no surprise. Have you ever heard a child thank their parent when it’s time to turn off the TV? Me either. As the loving adult, we’re here to help them figure out and manage their emotional response, together.
Use external resources as your aide
Books as well as children’s programs can help introduce the idea of a specific transition to you and your child in advance. Even telling a story about a tough transition in your own childhood will make your child feel more seen and understood.
Our children look up to us; if they know we also struggled, they’ll feel closer to us when that tough moment inevitably arises.
Make it visual or playful
Let’s imagine this for a second: you have to prepare for an upcoming move but have no access to a calendar or agenda. All logistics, deadlines, to-do’s have to be stored in your head. That would be so overwhelming!
Transitions, whether it’s back-to-school, or spending less time with parents after weeks at home, can feel like a drastic change to small children. To help prepare them for this change, bring play or visuals in as your aide.
- Act out what it will be like for you to go back to work, using figures to explain that you, for example, go to the office and the child goes to daycare, and you reunite after the sun goes down back at home. Drawing is another great visual tool: think comic strips!
- Involve your child with a calendar, placed in a communal space at their height. Yes, time and days are very abstract to little ones but the point is to involve them. Post-it’s, coloring dates/boxes as the days pass, or simply going over to the calendar daily can be helpful, say with a smile, for example, “X more days until you go back to day care!”
- Keep using the calendar and add images to dates (e.g., which parent does pick up or a special after-school activity/meal) so that you can keep involving/preparing the whole family for upcoming events.
Build back routines with moments for connection
It’s a fact that small, simple daily rituals create predictability and offer moments for closeness, too. Especially during transitions, rituals provide safety and a sense of comfort. Keep them simple and short, something you can do even if the child is upset or you’re in a rush to leave.
When you say goodbye in the morning (whether at home or drop-off), is there a special hug, hand shake, or rhyme that you can create with your little one? Then during those separation moments, say with calm and enthusiasm:
“It’s time to do our special handshake to stay with you until I see you later. I can’t wait to be back together after your fun day with your friends and teachers.”
“Here’s a hug to keep all day, hold it tight while I’m away. When I come to pick you up, we’ll share a hug and fill your cup.”
Express validation and hope
Recognize your child’s emotions while believing in their inherent competence and coping abilities.
“I know it’ll be challenging for a bit” (validation), and “I know you and I will figure it out” (hope).
Our endeavors are largely reinforced when we have someone by our side to build up the conviction and belief in our abilities to persevere.
Consider other soothing sensory input
Help create comfort in another habit. For example, is there a small object or framed photo that the child could reference when they’re feeling alone while at school? Keep in mind that it is important to stay away from food or money-driven habits here (e.g., no candy every day at pick up or five cents for every evening they go to bed on time).
Celebrate!
Finding small ways to get excited about the upcoming change and emphasize the positives is always a good idea. Instead of celebrating the end of summer (no fun!), what about finding a small way to welcome the new school year. Could you even make it into a family tradition?
Don’t forget that you’re transitioning, too
What do parents need to transition successfully? Parents need to take care of themselves, so they can offer the best version of themselves to the world. Without self-care, no parent, no matter how organized or loving, can survive successfully long term.
I challenge you to think about one small thing that you can do for yourself to help manage the emotions around your transition. Here are some suggestions:
- Make a ‘Five Things to Do When Stressed’ list to keep handy on your phone. Write down anything that grounds you or helps you get in touch with your sense of capability.
- Say No! to a care task this week (e.g., cleaning up the playroom, folding the laundry) and don’t fill up that time with anything productive. Respect that ‘free time’ for yourself.
- Establish your support team, because we’re a relational species! Clarify who your core people are, who you can call or send an SOS, knowing they’ll listen and be supportive, without judgement. We are not meant to be isolated, especially in tough moments.
Remember: You can’t calm a storm, but you have the power to calm yourself, reassure yourself, and take care of yourself. The storm will pass.