Image: James Pere

Good Parents Take Time Away from Their Children

Do you believe the best CEOs should be prevented from taking time off because they’re running the company? Or do you believe that vacations and moments to rest are healthy practices, beneficial for efficacy, and necessary to ensure quality work-life balance?

If you’ve responded yes to the latter, then you believe that good parents need to take time away from their children. So that means: good parents need to spend time embodying an identity away from that of a caretaker in order to parent well. That’s a mouthful, let’s break it down.

Parents are the CEOs of their family (company). CEOs take time away from their roles as leaders: they have hobbies, friends, and time off to recharge. Parents should be no different. There are some hurdles to making this time away a reality. Let’s go over them.

Feeling guilty?

Where did we learn that putting ourselves second to our children means being a good parent? The narrative many of us have in our minds of caretaking often takes on the role of selfless devotion.

Devotion is a suitable term for parenthood (“love, loyalty, enthusiasm for a person, activity, or cause”). However, we often forget about the devotee. The devotee (in this case the parent) should love and loyally care, but they do not need to become depleted and out of touch with themselves in the process. Children cannot thrive with run down parents who feel they have nothing left to give. Children need sturdy, healthy, happy leaders (that’s you!).

Feeling selfish or acting too selflessly?

First, let’s start with some ‘self' definitions, from the Merriam-Webster Dictionary: 

• Self: “a person’s essential being that distinguishes them from others”
• Selfish: “lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure”
• Selfless: “concerned more with the needs and wishes of others than with one’s own”
• Self-care: “the practice of taking action to preserve or improve one’s own health and well-being, in particular during periods of stress”

Looking at these definitions, and considering the guilt you may be feeling, we can start to analyze the narrative around caregiving. We’re told to give selflessly, but in reality that it is not sustainable in the long run. What about caring for the ‘self’ alongside caring for our children? This awareness can help take the first step towards introducing a new mindset towards self-care. 

Feeling that you’re not ready?

Tackling nervousness about leaving your child with a sitter or family member is very real. If leaving your child alone with a caretaker seems too uncomfortable at the moment, start small. 

Would you be willing to start by having a trusted family member or friend care for your child while you’re in the next room? You can slowly make incremental steps to enlarge the distance and time away from your child. For example, from being in the next room, to being outside your home, to shifting toward being just a few minutes walk away. You can build confidence with this incremental pattern until an hour or two feels right for you. 

Remember: acts of self-care can be very small, for example, taking a walk around the block alone, and can be built up slowly over time to be bigger when time permits. 

Try holding your two identities side by side

A helpful approach to accepting a self-care practice can be to hold both sides of your identity side by side: that of the parent, and that of the ‘self’ (unrelated to your child or children). Paradoxically, by creating space for ourselves, we generate more loving care for our children, simultaneously. 

It can be helpful to write down a self-care statement (somewhere you can see it often) or say out a short phrase in front of a mirror daily: For example:

• “I’m a loving parent who enjoys spending time with my children but also needs to spend some quality time on my own.”
• “I am a caring parent and I am allowed to enjoy doing things for myself. Today I will commit to doing <an activity> because I deserve that time alone.”
• “I love being a parent but I also love embodying my ‘old self.’ I can love both, and I pledge to making space for ‘me-time’ during my child’s nap today.”

Reflect on the parental models in your childhood

How did your parental models define loving themselves and showing love to their families? Did parents define love by how much they selflessly did for others?

It’s important to remind ourselves that although we cannot change the past, we can observe, learn, and appreciate what we grew up with, whether positive or negative. Maybe the following statement is essential to reframe how we approach caring for ourselves as parents: “Unhealthy intergenerational patterns around lack of self-care will not be perpetuated through me.” Or “This practice of extreme selflessness in order to show my love stops with me.”

Last but not least, add some anger

Yes, you read that correctly. Anger is a great way to access what we want for ourselves. Being in touch with our wants builds self-worth, something we need in order to stand in our power.

Recognize the ridiculous narrative that parenthood is a sacrificial practice and add some anger in order to resist it. You do not need to buy into the idea that motherhood equals martyrdom or that fatherhood equals forfeit. 

By resisting this narrative, we are also helping prepare the next generation to create space for healthy self-care practices and a more balanced approach to sharing themselves with others. That’s a win-win!