Image: Abhishek Ravi

How to Relieve Parental Anxiety

No matter what stage of parenting you may be in, parental anxiety is challenging to manage and ultimately affects your ability to parent to the fullest.

You may be looking for a solution. As a parent coach, I’m here to help. Anxiety is like an equation waiting to be solved; it is simply a reaction to uncertainty plus an underestimation of your ability to build and manage coping skills. It is solvable with the right tactics. 

In order to combat and relieve anxiety long term, we have to learn to welcome compassion and perspective into our lives. Without it, self-criticism, self-doubt, and fault-finding can snowball and overwhelm any stressful circumstance. So, before you keep reading, plant both feet on the floor, place a hand on your heart and close your eyes. Say to yourself: “It’s normal to experience parental anxiety. It makes sense that I am overwhelmed because I have a lot of responsibilities as a parent. I’m trying my best.”

Understand the Difference Between Stress and Anxiety

• Stress: “A state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or demanding circumstances.”
• Anxiety: “A feeling of worry, nervousness, unease, typically about an imminent event or uncertain outcome.”

The important difference between these two definitions is that stress is circumstantial and often something we may not be able to control, whereas anxiety is something we can work on: we can develop it and control how we experience this feeling. 

Let’s go back to my initial equation: Anxiety = a reaction to uncertainty + an underestimation of coping mechanisms. In order to solve this equation, most parents try to control the first part: uncertainty. Unfortunately, we cannot control the future and therefore this part of the equation can never be solved, only increasing dread and unease.

The good news is that the more we focus on our abilities to use our coping mechanisms, the more potential we have to change how we live alongside anxiousness. What accidentally makes anxiety worse? Ignoring emotions, wishing away feelings, and using food or alcohol to self-soothe. I’m not a psychologist, so I’ll leave it at that, but do try to observe if you use these tendencies to avoid anxiety. Awareness is the first step to change. 

Let’s Jump Into What to Do Instead

1. Improve your relationship with anxiety. It’s not our enemy! It is better to connect with things rather than fear them. Fearing something gives it power. Sturdiness in the face of fear builds a better base. What does this sound like? “I am a capable person. What I have in my power to do is X,” instead of “I’m a helpless victim to this emotion.”
2. Allow feelings of discomfort. We have to learn to tolerate being uncomfortable; constantly being in a state of familiarity hinders change. Change is uncomfortable. Discomfort is a positive thing: it tells us we’re on the path to change. 

The key to handling anxiety is to ground ourselves and remind our body that it is actually safe.

So, let’s move onto practical strategies.

Feel It, Name It

No emotion wants to sit unnoticed. Try to feel, acknowledge, and name your anxiety. 

1. Can you feel how anxiety lives in the body? Tightness in the stomach and shallow breathing are two examples, and although uncomfortable, they can work as our sign to see the emotion. 
2. Acknowledge and name your anxiety by thinking or saying outloud: “There’s that tightness, hello anxiety, I see you’re here. You’re part of me, I won’t let you overwhelm me.” 

I’m a big proponent of IFS (Internal Family Systems), a therapeutic framework that uses “parts work” to help us work alongside our difficult emotions. Naming an emotion, welcoming it because it is real and makes sense, and seeing it as an emotion that is trying to help us are all radical ideals that help us live more easily alongside difficult emotions. 

Breathing Techniques

See if any of these breathing techniques help calm anxiousness you feel in your body, which will help ease some of those racing thoughts, with time and practice. 

1. Hands in contact with the current time: one hand on heart and the other on the stomach or forehead, or hands on back of the neck and forehead, or hands crossed across chest. Then say out loud: “I’m here, I’m safe, I’m breathing.”
2. Deep belly breathing: out-breath longer than in-breath. Close your eyes and focus on the rise and fall of the belly, use nasal breathing if comfortable.
3. Try teaching it to a child. Imagine you’re holding cup of hot cocoa: breath in through your nose to prepare (enjoying the aroma), use a slow controlled (and longer) out-breath through your mouth to blow out (as though you are cooling off the beverage). Repeat at least three times.
4. Schedule it on your phone. Five deep breaths, three times a day. This is so that you can practice while you’re calm. This builds the skill like muscle memory. 
5. When you’re more confident, practice in front of your kids and explain what you’re doing. “You might see me stop in the middle of something and take five deep breaths, it helps me calm down. It’s important to prioritize taking care of our minds instead of just rushing through something.”

Clarify the Difference Between Worries and Problems

Problems have solutions, worries do not. Simple as that. Problems can be faced, so you can tell yourself: if my worry becomes a problem, I can handle it.

Not convinced by your capabilities yet? Try to look back at a time when you persevered through a problem with effort. “I remember the time X happened… Then I dealt with it. I can cope with this, too.” Or, “I can’t fix my worries but I am a good problem solver, I can deal with a problem if/when it occurs.” If you find you’re spiraling, try to make a list: “Is this a worry or a problem?” Write down two columns and see how you can reduce or tackle a ‘worry.’

Last but Not Least

Anxiety is a difficult emotion and can be made worse if dealt with alone. Sharing with friends can help you acknowledge it’s there and can relieve some symptoms of dread. Connecting with a Parent Coach will give another perspective in order to help cope and ultimately persevere through the difficulties you’re facing. Reading this article alone illustrates your first step to changing for the better: brava!