Image: Chokniti Khongchum/Vecteezy

Why Handling Tantrums Starts with You, The Parent

Tantrums are inevitable. Especially for toddlers.

Put yourself in your child’s shoes for a minute: You’ve had a full day of emotional experiences, or maybe just a range of emotions condensed into a single moment: the good (you’re about to have your favorite snack after school), the bad (your friend refuses to sit next to you) and the ugly (your food falls on the floor and you can no longer enjoy it).

Between the ages of one to four, toddlers experience all of the emotions of an adult and do not yet have the skills to deal with them. That would make anyone feel dysregulated.

Let’s define a tantrum: a temporary embodiment of dysregulation.

A tantrum is an inability to process a build-up of emotions, making them spill over like a pot of boiling water. As caregivers, there is a tendency to soothe or correct negative emotions in our children, in the hope that it will lighten the experience and maybe help them disappear. Have you ever heard yourself saying: “Don’t worry, it’s not a big deal,” “There’s no reason to cry over that,” “You’re a big girl/boy now, that’s enough.” These types of statements put the need to process the emotion on the child: something they’re not capable of doing if they’re already in a tantrum. So why is this about you, the parent?

If the child can’t handle their emotions, it’s up to us to help through validation and calm. We often forget to look at ourselves and our roles in this situation, first. How do we expect our children to calm themselves down in a state of dysregulation if we don’t have the grounded presence they need to feel reassured that their emotions are normal and tamable?

Controlling our sturdy and empathetic presence isn’t simple, but it’s a skill we can build over time. These coping skills will be absorbed and learned by our children over time as well, thanks to our leadership.

Here’s an inconvenient truth: if a child doesn’t see our sturdiness to lead them out of a tantrum, they learn that their ‘terrible and overwhelming emotions’ are as ugly and difficult for them as they are for their parent. That makes the tantrum even worse. We have to embody a sturdy and reassuring presence as much as possible, and especially during moments of dysregulation, whatever the cause.

How do we learn productive ‘presence?’

Switch the focus to your presence, first. Identify a way to bring groundedness into your mind and body before intervening. We need to believe and embody the fact that we are not overwhelmed by the child or their emotions.

Practice doesn’t make perfect; perfect practice makes perfect.

We have to practice our own coping skills outside of difficult moments. We don’t expect athletes to arrive at a tournament without hours of preparation and mock-games beforehand. Why do we expect anything less from ourselves? Try practicing coping mechanisms that feel good to you in different moments of your week to become more comfortable using them during your child’s tantrum or meltdown.

Some tactics to try

What works for you? Everyone has their own style and approach, here are some suggestions that have worked with clients in the past:

• One hand on heart, the other on the belly. Focus on the rising and falling of the breath.
• Feel your feet in your shoes, planted on the floor. Tune into the pressure of each toe, one at a time.
• Use exaggerated deep breaths to connect to the sound of your inhales through your nose and longer exhales from your mouth. Count five breaths, if helpful.
• Repeat a mantra to yourself internally: “My child’s in a place where they can’t hear me, but they can feel my positive presence.”
• Say out loud, in a loving tone: “I’m here, we’ll get through this together” (Keep it simple. You don’t have to do or say anything ‘smart’ or ‘strategic.’)
• Use physical closeness to reassure both yourself and the child. Give yourself a hug, for example.

Check-in with your self-talk. What does confidence and reassurance sound like for yourself in these difficult moments? It could be that improving and modifying positive self-talk is something that you need to address separately. An example of positive self-talk during a tantrum could be: “I’m safe, I’m capable of handling this situation. I’m doing my best.”

After grounding yourself, it’s time to decide on the boundary you need to hold or whether you need to bring some flexibility to the situation. You’re the parent, you decide. A dysregulated child is not in a place to be asked what they want or what they need to feel better. Once you’ve decided how to move forward, use empathy and validation to normalize your child’s desire and emotional response.

It’s normal for children to lose control of their emotions, whether they’re happy, angry, excited, sad, scared, or nervous. It’s their job to experience the world and respond emotionally to what they live. It’s the parent’s job to be their sturdy leader: empathize with their experience, lead them through the emotions, and teach them the tools to slowly gain the confidence to face the world on their own.