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Adding A Sibling to the Family Means Evolving as a Parent

Adding another personality and family dynamic to an already-established system can present some obstacles. However, we know that discussing our wants, needs, and what we can offer is important for all relationships. So, let’s talk about how to handle introducing a sibling into your family.

First and foremost, congratulations! Your family is growing and your love will, too. 

What’s working well?

No matter how old your current child is, ground yourself in the established routines that are working well for everyone. The easier you and your child can hold onto these healthy familiarities, the better everyone will be able to adjust to a new change in the home, giving you more peace and time to focus on the needs of the new arrival.

So, ask yourself: “What’s working well?” Write it down and try expressing your enjoyment (“I love bath time with you, you’re so much fun…”) next time you’re engaged in an activity together. 

Why does competitiveness come into play?

Siblings feel competitive with one another when they feel insecure with their place in the family. If a sibling feels valued, seen, and understood, it allows the sibling to look at the other as a playmate, not as a competitor. How do we encourage this? We give them our undivided attention.

This means you, the parent, organizing and allocating one-on-one time for each child. This is one of the most powerful strategies for reducing sibling rivalry at any age. 

1. Step 0: Discuss the plan with your child. What could this conversation sound like, even for a child as young as 18 months:

   “I hear you talking about what I do with your sibling / I see it’s hard sometimes when I'm with your sibling. It makes me think about what you need and what you want to do with me. I was thinking of adding some special time, just the two of us.”

2. Step 1: Make time for each of them. Carve out a time block, even five minutes a day, or a “special” moment in the week ahead. Think of it like a doctor’s appointment, something that you wouldn’t skip in order to ensure the well-being of your child. 

   Try: picking the time of day that works best for both of you. 

   In addition: let the child decide, within reason, what they want to do with you. If the child can’t come up with anything, give them some ideas or let them pick a “surprise activity” out of a hat.

3. Step 2: Respect that promise. Follow their lead and make sure: no phones (put it physically in another room), no interruptions (fill in other family members and silence that ringer!), and no siblings (make sure other children are being cared for by another adult). 
4. Step 3: Be curious. If you see jealousy, envy, or frustration, find a quiet time to talk to your child about it from a place of interest, not punishment. This could sound like:

   “I think when I see you’re frustrated about your sibling getting certain things, you’re really talking about wanting more time with me. Let’s figure that out.”

Keep in mind: the issue with being “fair”

Have you ever had trouble talking about what is “fair?” The reality is that we all have different and individual needs at various moments of our lives. We think equality means making things an even playing field for everyone. But the more we instill the idea that everyone deserves the same thing, toy, snack or time with a parent, the more rivalry we might be creating accidentally. 

If we’re always “equal,” we teach our children to look at what the other’s needs are in order to get that same thing for ourselves, because, apparently, that’s how we should satisfy our contentment. Yet we know: looking to other’s desires is not how we should approach our own needs.

So, being fair means giving each child what they need in that moment.

What does this look like in real life?

Next time your child makes a comparison or becomes clearly frustrated by the lack of attention they're getting, look for the individual need. 

What could this sound like?

“In our family, everyone gets what they need. Right now your sibling needs … from me. Let’s figure out what you need when I’m done.”

“Sometimes you really wish you didn’t have to share things with your sibling / Sometimes it’s really hard to share me with your sibling. That makes sense. It’s not always easy to be the older sibling.”

Don’t forget that you’re transitioning into a new identity, too

The reality is: many parents think about their child/children’s needs more than they think about their own.

The more we honor the reality that adults and parents, especially, struggle with transitions, the more we acknowledge the need for support and space to process the emotions associated. In turn, you can build more self-awareness and self-care into your life to make sure you’re getting the help you deserve. 

So, after reading this article, think about how you’d like to take care of yourself today. Take it from me, small self-care efforts add up to make a big difference.

Remember: it’s not your job as a parent to make your siblings be friends. It’s your job to respect each individual and create a harmonious atmosphere for them to figure out their own relationship.

Allocating time for each sibling,
Creating time for yourself away from caregiving, and
Figuring out how to address each child’s individual needs 
Will help family dynamics grow with love and respect.